Have you ever gotten that feeling like you just need a break? Like the devil is on your heels with every step and is sucking the life out of you? You are screaming out to God for guidance and help and there is silence coming right back at you like a boomerang. I just described my past month to you and let me just say, it is an understatement.
I am making one of the biggest life changes I have made and I have definitely let the Lord go a little bit. I can give you guys all the reasons for that but they do not matter. My faith is far from perfect, but being under stress is never a reason to forget about my faith.
A little back story for all of you, I rededicated my life to the Lord at the end of my freshman year in college. They say you are the most vulnerable to the work of the devil when God is running your life. Almost as if they go to war over your life. A few months after my baptism and getting into my gap year program, I was in the worst car accident of my life. It haunts me to this day and I even question how my faith was not strong enough to protect me from such tragedy. I have accepted I will never know that answer, but is seems as if this is a trend.
I live my life and incredible things happen and I meet incredible people. Then, at my highest high, life hits me harder than I know how to handle. I hit my highest high of 2018 in May when I graduated and made plans to start a life in New Mexico with my boyfriend. Yet the devil made his way into my life just like he did the summer before my gap year.
Over the past month I have been deep into my scripture and into my devotionals. I have chosen the happy way of life despite the many struggles that have hit me. This morning I found this passage that really has me confused. “But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” Proverbs 1:33
I feel as if even though I have been alive in my faith, I am terrified of the evil surrounding me. I am positive of my future but it feels as if the devil is clinging onto my back and there is nothing I can do. Why does history seem to repeat itself with me and my faith? Is my faith really struggling so much after my highest highs that I really am letting this much evil in?
I am writing because I am lost. I love to write because it is freeing and allows me to put my thoughts into words that I can understand. You are probably thinking, do you really not understand your own thoughts? Trust me, if you could see my mind working, you would understand. This is way more vulnerable than I actually enjoy being, but I can’t help but think this is what God is trying to tell me. Writing helps me see my mind and it allows me to ask for help on a much larger, more vulnerable platform. So because of that, I am asking for prayers. Prayers to quiet the evil that is around me and strengthen the faith that is within me.
“I said here I am…send me.” -Isaiah 6:8