This is raw, and this is real. This is me my friends.
I find myself feeling stuck in this place I call “home”, this place called Norman. I find myself waking up every morning only to barely make it to class on time. I find myself searching for ways to graduate a few months earlier, or finish my degree online.
It poured all day, seemingly more so when I actually needed to be outside. Naturally my emotions were heightened. Sometimes rain does that to a person. As I walked to one of my classes, I stood at a cross walk waiting for the little man to give me the “go”. The rain beat down on my rain jacket and I looked up and just closed my eyes. The rain hit my face and felt so cold, almost numbing. I was able to let a tear or two fall. As I crossed the street, I asked myself a question I seem to ask often. “What am I doing here? Why this place?” I told my mom today that “I hate it here”, and I don’t understand why.
All day I felt like there was a lump in my throat. That lump you get when you’re holding back tears. The lump that you wish would disappear but can’t bring yourself to do the one thing that will make it go away.
I don’t know why today was so hard, but it was, and I am okay with it. Maybe it is a case of senioritis, or maybe it was my soul longing for something greater. I am a firm believer in living in every moment God gives us, but today it honestly felt like I was watching myself just go through the moments.
Writing is my way out and even as I write this I am having a hard time finding my words. I stumbled upon this quote today said by Robin Williams in “What Dreams May Come”, and for some reason it really spoke to me;
“You have to break in half to love somebody.”
I thought about it and thought, well, what if you have to break in half to love yourself? To love where life has put you, and to love the moments God is giving you. I am constantly trying to convince myself I like it here so I will be happier. But maybe I have been doing it wrong. Maybe I don’t need any convincing and maybe I am not supposed to like it here. But I am here, in this town, and clearly it is for a reason, or else I would be gone by now.
It is a lot easier for me to write on this blog and be raw with this blog than it is for me to be raw with a human being. So for those that keep reading these, thank you. I sincerely appreciate you. Also understand that being raw is beautiful.
We all have these days.
“Chaos is a friend of mine.” -Bob Dylan