I am here.

Have you ever gotten that feeling like you just need a break? Like the devil is on your heels with every step and is sucking the life out of you? You are screaming out to God for guidance and help and there is silence coming right back at you like a boomerang. I just described my past month to you and let me just say, it is an understatement.

I am making one of the biggest life changes I have made and I have definitely let the Lord go a little bit. I can give you guys all the reasons for that but they do not matter. My faith is far from perfect, but being under stress is never a reason to forget about my faith.

A little back story for all of you, I rededicated my life to the Lord at the end of my freshman year in college. They say you are the most vulnerable to the work of the devil when God is running your life. Almost as if they go to war over your life. A few months after my baptism and getting into my gap year program, I was in the worst car accident of my life. It haunts me to this day and I even question how my faith was not strong enough to protect me from such tragedy. I have accepted I will never know that answer, but is seems as if this is a trend.

I live my life and incredible things happen and I meet incredible people. Then, at my highest high, life hits me harder than I know how to handle. I hit my highest high of 2018 in May when I graduated and made plans to start a life in New Mexico with my boyfriend. Yet the devil made his way into my life just like he did the summer before my gap year.

Over the past month I have been deep into my scripture and into my devotionals. I have chosen the happy way of life despite the many struggles that have hit me. This morning I found this passage that really has me confused. “But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” Proverbs 1:33

I feel as if even though I have been alive in my faith, I am terrified of the evil surrounding me. I am positive of my future but it feels as if the devil is clinging onto my back and there is nothing I can do. Why does history seem to repeat itself with me and my faith? Is my faith really struggling so much after my highest highs that I really am letting this much evil in?

I am writing because I am lost. I love to write because it is freeing and allows me to put my thoughts into words that I can understand. You are probably thinking, do you really not understand your own thoughts?  Trust me, if you could see my mind working, you would understand. This is way more vulnerable than I actually enjoy being, but I can’t help but think this is what God is trying to tell me. Writing helps me see my mind and it allows me to ask for help on a much larger, more vulnerable platform. So because of that, I am asking for prayers. Prayers to quiet the evil that is around me and strengthen the faith that is within me.

“I said here I am…send me.” -Isaiah 6:8

Advertisements

New Beginnings.

This is such a weird time in the life of a young adult. Just graduated college, making it in the “real world”, or trying to at least. Figuring out who you really want to be, where you want to be, what you want to be. Probably have a very vague idea of what the future holds. Mental breakdowns here and there, incredible life highs, and doors opening and closing all over the place.

Graduate college they said, it will be worth it they said.

Obviously a college degree is worth it and makes a world of difference when salary is in the picture. Until that degree actually gets put to work, it definitely does not feel worth it. This is the really cool part of life though. In this short period of time while we are figuring out what we are going to do, and while we apply for jobs, there are doors that are opening and closing. New beginnings forming and shaping our future. So while it may not feel like this degree is worth it, it always is in the end.

My new beginning is about to take off and I could not be more excited. I have been stuck in Norman taking a couple of summer classes to finish up my minor. I have a part-time job and I have been applying for “big girl” jobs. Meanwhile, my incredible boyfriend is starting his new beginning in New Mexico. A place we will both be calling home in a couple of weeks.

34906535_10156518460822996_5786558113041612800_n

Right after graduation I honestly felt really defeated. I have this degree and now what? I was not getting replies on any jobs, I really did not even know where to start. The one thing I knew for sure was that I am loved. I am loved by God, my boyfriend, my family, and most definitely my dog. I knew that I just needed to trust in those people and the doors would open. Sure enough, they did.

If you would have asked me months ago where I would be after graduation, New Mexico definitely would not have been a place I would have said. How exciting is that though? God literally works your life out for you and all you have to do is trust Him. This new beginning is becoming so real, and       exciting, and a job is in my near future!

If you’re stuck, find the people who love you and trust in them. Your new beginning will happen and the doors that need to close, will close at just the right time. If there is one thing I have learned with this transition, it is to trust in God and trust in His timing. There is a feeling that comes with trusting in the timing of our creator and it is incredibly freeing,

Trust in the people you love.

“The road doesn’t go where you planned. It goes where it’s written to be.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Graduation Season.

Well hello there beautiful people!

It has been a hot minute and that is because college has seriously been kicking my butt. That’s okay though, that is what I signed up for! Now that we are on the subject of college, I want to talk about graduation. It is literally this weekend and yes, I am walking across that stage, along with hundreds of others. It is a big deal for me and I assume it is a big deal to everyone else. With that being said, there are some things everyone that is not graduating should know.

Asking us what we are doing after we graduate is not really the best question. We just got our behinds kicked into the next century by senior presentations, capstone finals, and all other horrendous assignments. We kind of just want to relax for a week or two. That is not how everyone is and some people may be rushing right into their “big kid” job and that is totally awesome. But, the majority of us have literally no idea what our lives are going to look like and that is totally okay. For me, I just kind of want to live, not stress out for a couple of months, and have faith in God that my life is going to work out how it is supposed to.

I have personally gotten really good at hiding the fact that I am incredibly stressed out. Mainly because I have worked in the service industry all of college and if I want to make money, my stress cannot come with me. I would like to think a lot of us have mastered this. If anything, we have mastered living with stress for at least this past year. Once we walk across that stage it probably will not be there. So we might sleep. A lot. I ask on behalf of myself, that you not freak out if I am sleeping a lot. The average amount of sleep a college student gets is between 4-6 hours of sleep. Now that we can sleep, and not pull “all nighters” studying for exams and finishing papers, you bet we are going to. Please let us, friends and family.

Last but not least. You guys know we could not have done this without you. Even though it is “our” weekend, it is yours as well. We might not say it as much as we should but without my friends and family, I would probably be a little behind. For me, I have my mom, dad, sister, boyfriend, and a few close friends to thank. I also have KIVU Gap Year to thank for my motivation that has allowed me to graduate in 3 years. All eyes have been on us graduates, but non of us could do it without our support system. Remember that even though we might not say it right away, our friends and family mean a lot to us.

Thank you to my support system!

With all that in mind, have fun this weekend graduates. We did it.

Boomer Sooner!

“It always seems impossible until it is done” ~Nelson Mandela

“Your Brokenness is Welcome Here.”

Some of you may recognize the title of this blog and some of you may not. For those of you that do, hello sisters and brothers! For those of you that do not, let me just share a bit. This is the tagline for Jordan Lee’s blog and ministry. All credit goes to her creative mind for this beautifully simple saying. Jordan Lee is a christian blogger who also has a ministry, devotionals, apparel, and wisdom. So much wisdom. So now that you’re all caught up, let me dive into this.

I just recently bought one of her “Your Brokenness is Welcome Here” hats and I have only worn it a few times since buying it, but holy cow the things I have experienced. People have been abnormally trusting of me as I sit in the library being asked to watch their valuables. People have been incredibly gracious towards me. People have been curious about the meaning. Everyone has their own version of what this means and I have mine.

One girl approached me in the library asking to sit at my table. I could tell she was looking at my hat over and over again probably trying to figure it out. I glanced up and smiled at her and she asked, “What does that mean?”. Joy filled my heart as those words left her mind.

I looked at her and I told her that by wearing this hat, it is my way of welcoming everyone in the same ways that Jesus welcomed everyone. With open arms and an open heart, I welcome the brokenness, the differences, the hurt, the everything. I welcome that with beauty and no fear. She then asked me, “what if someone doesn’t believe in Jesus or the bible?”. I said I welcomed them the same as everyone else. With love, joy, grace, and kindness. She thought this was so great and a tear even came to her eye. She told me she never met a christian that loved atheists. She told me judgment was the reason she did not believe and that if she received this kind of love from everyone, she would believe in Jesus.

This conversation made me really happy and really sad all at the same time. I understood where she was coming from when she said judgment. I have been judged, my family has been judged, and it has been all by the church. It hurts and it does not make any sense. I told her that Jesus would never judge and that anyone who truly loves Him would understand this. She was speechless and I told her, “it does not matter where you come from, what or who you believe in or don’t believe in, what battles you’re fighting, Jesus does love you and will always love you. That is why I wear this hat, because having the ability to love as He did and does is all I need.” At this moment she shed tears and gave me a small hug. She said “thank you”, and we went on studying. The smile on her face will always be remembered.

So to Jordan Lee, thank you. Thank you for creating this beautiful tagline, and thank you for sharing it with the rest of the world. You have created something beautiful.

“He heals the wounds of every shattered heart.” -Psalm 147:3

Breaking beautifully.

This is raw, and this is real. This is me my friends.

I find myself feeling stuck in this place I call “home”, this place called Norman. I find myself waking up every morning only to barely make it to class on time. I find myself searching for ways to graduate a few months earlier, or finish my degree online.

It poured all day, seemingly more so when I actually needed to be outside. Naturally my emotions were heightened. Sometimes rain does that to a person. As I walked to one of my classes, I stood at a cross walk waiting for the little man to give me the “go”. The rain beat down on my rain jacket and I looked up and just closed my eyes. The rain hit my face and felt so cold, almost numbing. I was able to let a tear or two fall. As I crossed the street, I asked myself a question I seem to ask often. “What am I doing here? Why this place?”  I told my mom today that “I hate it here”, and I don’t understand why.

All day I felt like there was a lump in my throat. That lump you get when you’re holding back tears. The lump that you wish would disappear but can’t bring yourself to do the one thing that will make it go away.

I don’t know why today was so hard, but it was, and I am okay with it. Maybe it is a case of senioritis, or maybe it was my soul longing for something greater. I am a firm believer in living in every moment God gives us, but today it honestly felt like I was watching myself just go through the moments.

Writing is my way out and even as I write this I am having a hard time finding my words. I stumbled upon this quote today said by Robin Williams in “What Dreams May Come”, and for some reason it really spoke to me;

“You have to break in half to love somebody.”

I thought about it and thought, well, what if you have to break in half to love yourself? To love where life has put you, and to love the moments God is giving you. I am constantly trying to convince myself I like it here so I will be happier. But maybe I have been doing it wrong. Maybe I don’t need any convincing and maybe I am not supposed to like it here. But I am here, in this town, and clearly it is for a reason, or else I would be gone by now.

It is a lot easier for me to write on this blog and be raw with this blog than it is for me to be raw with a human being. So for those that keep reading these, thank you. I sincerely appreciate you. Also understand that being raw is beautiful.

We all have these days.

“Chaos is a friend of mine.” -Bob Dylan

For the Love of Pride.

As some of you may or may not know, gay pride parades are happening almost every weekend in most cities right now. With that, comes a lot of things. Unity, hate, love, discrimination, beauty, power, etc. Normally I would write about being mindful of what you say and blah blah blah but, I am actually going to write about my love for pride.

Living in Oklahoma, I see a lot of people every single day not okay with the LGBT community we have here…especially in Norman. Yes it makes me angry but, in all reality it just makes me love even harder. The vast majority of my friends are what make up the LGBT community here in Norman and I absolutely love it. I love them and I love pride. But, I love the haters even more.

That just threw 99% of you for a loop so let me explain.

Most people react with anger right back to the people dealing out hate against the LGBT community. Most people would throw a punch or shoot insults right back. That is what people want. So, when they get love in return of the hate they just dished out, it is like their whole universe is coming to the quickest end. There is no reasoning with people when it comes to hatred against the LGBT community, so there is point in arguing and raising my blood pressure.

My friends know I love them dearly. They know I would hit a B**** if things got incredibly out of control. They know I support them. They know I would hold their hands in a rally. That is what matters.

These rainbow crosswalks popping up all over the place give my heart the biggest sense of happiness. The look on my friends faces when they talk about going to pride this weekend gives my soul the energy it needs. Pride gets me all hyped up as if I am going to compete in the biggest tournament of my life. Pride is happiness.

I dare each and every one of you to go to pride and do your best not to smile or even shed a tear. I dare you to have the time of your life at pride.

I dare you to love.

I dare you because I know most of you are scared. I know most of you would hold back those tears and I know most of you would never admit you had the time of your life. I dare you to love because even though you say you do, when it comes to something like the LGBT communities you have a hard time loving.

It is 2017. It is time to stop the hate and love the pride. This weekend in Oklahoma City could quite possibly be the happiest weekend of some people’s lives. I dare you to put your differences aside, and go enjoy the pride.

“I believe we can all come together, because if you take away the labels, you realize we are far more alike than we are different.” -Ellen DeGeneres

 

 

The Angels We Have In Heaven.

This is one of those blogs that if you know me, you know this story, if you don’t…you’re about to know me a lot better.

I have a beautiful angel up in heaven. A beautiful little girl that became my best friend the first day I moved into a new house. A little girl that today, would be a graduate from a university. A little girl named Sam. Sam is a lot of peoples angel up in heaven and she is an incredible one.

When she became my angel up there, I did not know what to do. I was a kid that barely even knew what death was, let alone what happens afterwards. In the moment my world shattered, and my silent fight with God began. For the longest time I could not grasp why such a beautiful soul was taken from so many people. To this day, I still do not know, and I am realizing I probably never will.

For most, losing someone special feels like the end of the world. Some move on quickly, some move on slowly, and some never move on. All of which are totally okay. I guess I can say I moved on, but I have not healed. There is a big part still very broken. That silent fight with God that I mentioned, that did not end until He sent me on my gap year. Since then I have learned a few things.

Losing someone isn’t easy and it definitely shouldn’t be. It also isn’t something that should cause us to resent the one we lost. Not everyone has lost someone special, and on some days I am super jealous of that. But, most days I am at peace with the fact I have an angel up in heaven. Those of us that do, are very lucky people, even though it may not feel like it.

We have an extra set of eyes to watch out for us. An extra being to nudge us in the right direction so silently we sometimes miss it. We have someone that keeps our feelings in check. Tests them every once in a while to make sure our tears can still fall, the corners of our mouths can still rise, and keeps our memory bank completely active.

We value the life of the ones we love so much more than anyone can know. Only because we know what it feels like to lose one we loved. We love the happy moments and run from that bad ones because somehow they always bring back the day we hate to talk about.

The angels we have in heaven keep us human, and in todays world, I think that is something that can disappear faster than we can say it. Our angels take care of us in ways we won’t ever know. So next time you’re feeling a little mad that your loved one was taken, take some time to remember. Remember the good, remember the answers that just came to you with no explanation. Remember the times of joy you cannot explain. Remember the person, and thank that person for always taking care of you. I promise they are.

“Courage, dear heart.” -C.S. Lewis